Heal Me (?)
by bornpuppetdiedcrying
Summary: *THIS IS A REMAKE OF MY STORY LIVING IN MY SISTER'S SHADOW* Harou Fujioka has never had the best life. When his mother passed, he fell into depression. years later he realizes he needs help. And he needs time to heal. (Full summary inside)
1. Summary

***THIS IS A REMAKE OF MY STORY LIVING IN MY SISTER'S SHADOW** I DO NOT OWN OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS. I OWN HAROU AND A FEW OTHER MINOR OCS I MIGHT THROW INTO THE MIX***

 **Title:** Heal Me (?)

 **Summary:** Harou Fujioka hasn't had the most pleasant life, but at the same time it wasn't the worst. His mother died before he reached double digits and when she passed his home life broke. His father was always at work and the icy hands of depression ensnared him soon after. In his time of weakness Harou's health deteriorated and he resorted to inflicting wounds to himself to try and fill the void inside him. He hid the scars for years but he was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss and he needed help. The new school year was around the corner and Harou decided it was time. He needed to fight and foremost he needed to heal. The question is though, can he? After the years of secrets and lies could he truly get better? Well time could only tell.

Warnings: Will contain mentions of self-harm, attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, gay and straight relationships, and maybe polyamorous relationships (This list might be altered or added to)


	2. Prolouge

Heal Me – Prologue

"Mr. Fujioka, I'm so glad that you could make it."

"Yeah, hi." I nodded at Ms. Kaneki and toyed with my hands "I'm sorry that I was a little late… Traffic was killer."

"I'm sure it was" Ms. Kaneki smiled as she held onto her pastel pink clipboard that rested against her knees. "So tell me, how has your home life been since our last meeting?"

"Okay I guess." I bobbed my head up and down slightly as I licked my lips nervously. "Um… Dad's been a little jumpy around me since I started my meds - but it could be worse I guess."

Ms. Kaneki subtly nodded "How had Haruhi reacted?"

"She's taken it in stride I guess. She reminds me to take my pills in the morning and distracts dad when he tries to smother me."

"That's good. Now, how has your father been quote unquote smothering you? Has he been giving you more attention than usual?"

"Yeah." I nodded once again keeping my eyes trained on my hands or the little colored glass ornaments hanging in the large window of Ms. Kaneki's office. "And he makes me eat a large meal at dinner time even if my stomach can't really handle it, or he'll appear out of nowhere and constantly ask if I'm okay… I - I'm really not used to this treatment and it's kinda freaking me out."

"Have you told your father this?" Ms. Kaneki looked concerned as she stared into my very being with her coffee bean colored eyes.

I kept my eyes adverted and switched my gaze to the contorted cherry blossom tree that stood outside of the painted blue office before I took a few deep, chest shaking breaths. "I – I don't want to hurt him more than I already have." My voice cracked slightly and I rubbed the back of my hands against my teary eyes. "He was so distraught when I told him I was depressed… He kept asking me if it was his fault – which it wasn't. And even when I tried to reassure him it had nothing to do with him or his parenting he still looked so broken…"

Ms. Kaneki let out a soft breath before she set her clipboard on her desk to give me her full attention. "Harou… You have to understand that this is not unusual – for a parent to feel responsible for their child's ailment. Parents naturally worry about their children, and when they are informed that their flesh and blood is depressed or that they even intentionally harm themselves… It's a foreign feeling or horror because their child is sick and they may have never realized it before. They wonder it there was anything that they could have done to prevent the depression or the scars... You shouldn't blame yourself for how your father feels."

"I – I Know that… But it still hurts."

"Give it time. I know it sounds cliché, but if you want your life to improve, you have to be patient. Stability isn't achieved in a single day." Reaching behind her, Ms. Kaneki pulled her clipboard back out and sent me a reassuring smile. "Would you like to tell me about the school you had mentioned in a previous appointment? You and your sister, Haruhi both received scholarships, correct?"

I knew she was changing the subject to try and kill the panicked emotions that were starting to swallow me whole when talking about home and I was very grateful for it. I started therapy a little less than a month ago and I was hardly close to feeling one-hundred percent. So much had changed after I scheduled my first appointment, but I could tell that I was progressively getting better.

"Um, you're right. And it's a private school called Ouran academy."

School was starting next week and I was so nervous. Haruhi got into Ouran for an academic scholarship but me… It's not nearly as impressive. A couple weeks ago Haruhi and I received two letters stating that we were accepted into Ouran. Haruhi because she's a straight A student and me because I could play a few instruments…

"Please Harou, tell me more."


	3. Chapter 1

**Heal Me (?) - Chapter 1**

 **A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry this took so long for me to update! I hope you enjoy this chapter and want to read more. And just so you know major character development has happened to Harou.**

 _Words are tricky. When you're talking to someone, you don't want to have the wrong message come and smack your speaking companion in the face. Fortunately (or unfortunately) there are times when your words can't have any double meanings._

"Why the fuck is it so pink?" I couldn't keep the words from tumbling out of my mouth. Haruhi and I stood in Ouran academy's front courtyard with disbelief plastered on both of our faces. The vibrant pink school seemed to sparkle proudly, as students sat on stone benches and conversed animatedly.

"How should I know?" Haruhi brushed off the odd color and instead focused on our class schedules that we received in the mail. "Anyways, we're both in class 1-A for most of the day. The only exception is our electives where you have general music and full orchestra and I have study hall and criminal law." Haruhi turned her head to look at me. Her poorly cut hair was defying the laws of physics as strands stood tall on top on her head. "Do you think you'll be okay by yourself? You took your meds and everything right?"

"Yeah..." I nodded my head in a jerky motion. We were approaching Ouran's main doors and I could feel tension growing in my gut. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm my racing heart and focus on my younger sister. I think Haruhi saw my anxiety as she offered me her hand. Nodding in thanks I took her hand in mine and felt a gentle squeeze. Smiling nervously I returned the gesture and peered down at the papers in Haruhi's hand. "So we have our electives last, right?" Haruhi nodded in confirmation. "Then we should plan a meeting place for when we're ready to go home."

"Good idea. We'll be opposite wings when school's over. So where would you like to meet?"

"You wanted to study after school though right? Well I mean, at least go over the homework we're given."

"Yeah. Would the library be a good place to meet?"

"The school map said that there were like, four libraries..."

"Our main classroom?" Haruhi suggested.

I grunted in disapproval. "I know we both didn't sign up for P.E. but I rather not have to do a marathon everyday at school."

Haruhi rolled her eyes but had a small smile on her face. "Now you're just being lazy."

"You try doing lots of exercise with this death trap on." I grumbled pointing at my torso. "You wouldn't want to do anything either."

"Then don't wear it." Haruhi spoke without really thinking of my situation.

"There is no way I'd go out in public without this thing on." I could barely hold back a repulsed sneer. "I can hardly stand not wearing it at home. And back to the topic at hand - figuring out a meeting spot. I mean we _could_ go to library one through four and stick around at the less crowded one. Though it's not my ideal situation."

"I think it's the best we can do for now." Haruhi gave me a tired smile. "Once we see how the libraries are we can go from there. I'm sure there are some teachers who wouldn't mind if we stayed after school to study if we have no other option."

"Right. So where is our class again?" While Haruhi and I were talking we had entered the school and I couldn't believe that even the inside seemed to glitter like it's exterior. It could have something to do with the multiple chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and the expensive vases that stood on tall podiums, but I'm going to ignore that for now.

"If I'm reading this map correctly then it's down this hallway to our left."

I checked the map to see if what Haruhi said was true. "I guess you're right. I'll keep my eyes peeled."

Luckily for Haruhi and I we arrived at class 1-A without any injuries and were able to be assigned desks in the back-ish middle part of the room. Since we were the first students in class we were able to speak with our teacher and briefly inform him about my mental health. The Headmaster at Ouran Academy knew of my anxiety and depression and was kind enough to send me a letter in the mail stating that he understood what I was going through and that with the pass he sent me, I wouldn't get reprimanded by a teacher if I had to take a walk. So it was basically a hall pass but I could use it whenever my anxiety flared to either go to the nurse, bathroom or for a short walk.

"Thank you for understanding Sensei." I nodded my head in appreciation and went to sit next to Haruhi. Thankfully at this time I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack so I sat down and pulled out my daily journal. It wasn't anything special, my journal, it was faux black leather with my name written on the inside cover. My therapist Ms. Kaneki thought it would be a good idea to start a journal where I could catalogue my thoughts and emotions throughout the day. When it came time for my next appointment Ms. Kaneki and I would go through my entries and discuss what I wrote. This helped me reflect and see progression with my mental illness. Even though I've been going to therapy for little under a month now I could see some changes in my daily life and I'm really happy about that. Pulling out a blue ink pen I continued from my earlier entry that I wrote on the train to school.

' _ **Ouran is really school seemed to sparkle and it was really blinding. I'm sitting in classroom 1-A before class starts and I have come to realize that the school has very lively students. In the front courtyard students were clumped together chatting, gossiping, I don't know but they were really loud and kind of freaked me out. Sure, in middle school kids were loud but not like this. Or maybe this is my anxiety speaking? Either way I had a close call but thankfully Haruhi was there which made a HUGE difference! Truthfully I'm really worried about last period because I have general music and tomorrow I have full orchestra which will definitely be an experience. I'll try to pull through. I have my anxiety pass and my headphones at the ready if it's a last resort situation. Hopefully it won't come to that but I'll have to wait and see. Let me also mention that the girl's uniform are really gross. Like a banana and a bell had an ugly child. I mean the style is lolita-ish so I don't understand why the school couldn't have the uniform be really cute lolita coordinates instead… Man, am I happy that I don't need to wear those monstrosities (Not like Haru and I could afford them anyways-'**_

I was drawn from my journal when the classroom door slid open and teens actually wearing the uniform came through.

"Class, please take your seats. The bell is about to ring and I have an announcement to make." Upon hearing the prospect of news they might be able to gossip about, the rest of the class scurried to their seats. Hushed whispers and not - too - subtle glances were thrown mine and Haruhi's way. When the bell rang Sensei spoke once again. "I'm sure many of you have noticed by now, but two new students have joined us for this year. Fujioka-kun could you two stand up and introduce yourselves?"

Standing up Haruhi gave me a soft smile and began our introduction. "My name is Haruhi Fujioka. This is my older brother Harou Fujioka."

"Hello..." I mumbled as I waved briefly towards the class that was staring intensely at Haruhi and me. "Please take care of us while we're here."

"You may sit now." Sensei drew everyone's attention towards himself. "Any questions you have can be asked after class. Now your first subject is english."

I glared at sensei for suggesting for my classmates to talk to me outside of class. I didn't want to talk to these rich kids, much less about myself. As I stared daggers into sensei's back I felt my peer's eyes dig into my skin. Looking around I saw another pair of twins stare at Haruhi and I with golden eyes. Maybe it was because we were twins. Maybe it was because we were fresh meat.

The day flew by with ease. Haruhi and I ate lunch in the classroom and talked about what we thought of ouran so far. After lunch we had one more class together then our elective. I was still really nervous but I knew I wasn't in any danger* (Did I really know this?) and that if I made it through music i'd pretty much be home free.

Let me first thank all things Holy. I _did not_ have a panic attack in music class! Maybe it was because I was surrounded by familiar instruments that have always given me comfort. or the fact that the class was filled with other music fanatics like myself. Or it could have been because I was half drowning in one of my favorite sweaters that, if the need arises, I could hide in.

Anyways I made it through music class and I currently waiting for Haruhi to arrive at library one so we could find the perfect study spot.

The perfect study spot does not seem to exist in Ouran. All four libraries were filled with noisy teens that wanted to hang out and do nothing.

"Harou, what's that?" Haruhi pointed ahead and i read the sign above the door.

"A music room?" the sign said 'music room #3' so i doubt it could be anything else. "Do you want to check it out?"

"Sure, we have nothing to lose."

"Yeah."

 _Boy were we wrong_

Haruhi and I opened the music room doors together and were greeted by an odd sight. Or well lack of sight as we were attacked by rose petals. "H-Haruhi?" I asked uncertainly "What is going on?"

Right in front of me were six handsome boys that screamed class.

" _Welcome_ " they greeted in unison.

"Uh..." Haruhi and I were dumbstruck. While I turned my back on the gents I tried to open the music room doors without any luck.

"What the hell?" I muttered to myself jiggling the door handle and still getting on results. "Do the doors have automatic locks or something." Turning to look at the main group of men, I recognized the twins from class but no one else.

"What do you know. It's two boys."

"Hikaru, Kaoru, these young men are in the same class as you. Am I correct?" A man with oval wire framed glasses spoke with great authority.

"Yeah." I could hear the twins speak in unison. "But they're shy. They hid away during lunch and free time so we don't know much about them."

"That wasn't very polite." Glasses spoke turning attention towards Haruhi and me. "Welcome to the Ouran host club Mr. Honor students."

'Why do I get the feeling like he's making fun of us?' I looked at Haruhi who was still awestruck and flustered. "Haruhi, we should really go-"

I was cut off by the tallest blonde of the group. "Woah!" he gasped in awe "You two must be Haruhi and Harou Fujioka!"

"How do you know our names?" Haru and I asked in unison

"Woah!" the smaller blonde stared at Haruhi and me with wide brown eyes "Kau-chan and Hika-chan aren't the only ones who speak together! That's so cool!"

Glasses ignored little blonde's outburst and explained how "Commoners" were a rare sight at Ouran. His Know - it - all attitude made me want to kick his smug little teeth in.

"I don't think you two understand how you're an inspiration to other poor people Fujioka." Blondie seemed to appear out of nowhere and put a hand on my sister's shoulder. "You two have shown the world that even a poor person can join an elite private academy."

Glaring at the taller teen I pulled Haruhi from his grasp and shuffled away. Unfortunately blondie seemed to be brain dead as he continued to follow us and be a pompous ass. shaking slightly from holding back my rage I tried to hide behind Haruhi so I didn't physically assault the flamboyant jerk.

"We welcome you poor men, to our world of beauty!" Idiot - senpai threw his hands in the air and seem to expect some wild reaction for the two of us.

"I'm out of here. Comon HArou." Haruhi turned to walk away from the host club but didn't get very far as little blonde panced forward and latched onto her arm.

"Woah Haru-chan! You must be like a superhero or something!" he turned his head and looked at me with a smile on his face. "You too Harou-chan! That's so cool!"

"Harou-chan?" I scrunched my nose at the nickname and flinched when Haruhi snapped at the kid.

I turned my attention back to the taller blonde, whose name was still a mystery to me, because said something that made me freeze.

"Who knew our two honor students would be so openly gay?"

'Huh?' I stared at the blonde like he was crazy. Especially when he started listing of types of guys we might like. 'Strong and silent? Boy lolita? Like the clothing style? Mischievous? Cool type? And what the hell does he think he's doing to my sister?!' I could feel my heart racing in panic and rage. This idiot has long since popped my sister's personal bubble and that wasn't making me a happy camper. Stalking forward I ripped the guys hands off of my sister forced him to take a couple steps back.

"Look sir." I started, my quivering hand rested on this guys chest holding him back. "We would like to leave. We are not interested in your club. And it doesn't matter if you think we're gay, straight or anything in between. We don't want any part of this so I'd really appreciate it if you didn't decide things for us." Stepping back I turned to Haruhi and saw a concerned frown on her face.

"Thanks Harou." Haruhi whispered as she took my hand.

"N - No problem Haruhi." I heaved a heavy sigh and tried to ignore the host club that was staring at me and Haru. "lets get out of here now."

"Right." Haruhi nodded and we started to walk towards the door.

"Wait!" I felt one of the host's hands grab my wrist and my reaction was instantaneous. I violently ripped my hand away from the guy as I whipped my head around to see who had touched me. It was the tall blonde and without thinking I backed away and knocked into Haruhi. This caused an unfortunate domino effect which didn't even register until I heard a loud shattering noise.

"Haruhi, are you alright?" I whimpered as I checked over my little sister.

"I'm alright Harou, really." Haruhi rubbed my arm trying to calm me down.

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Why are you two acting so calm?" I heard unison voices speaking. "You two just broke a vase we were going to feature at an upcoming school auction!"

"Now you've done it commoners! The bidding on that vase was going to start at eight-million yen!" the twin with his hair parted on the left spoke.

"Now is not the time!" Haruhi snapped glaring at the twins. focusing on me instead Haruhi helped me off the ground and reached into my pocket for my head phones. Understanding her intentions I pulled out my beat up ipod shuffle and headphones and turned it on.** I closed my eyes and took deep breaths trying to calm myself down.*** Blasting in my ear phones was "Stay together for the kid" by blink 182 which helped me focus more on taking my anxiety from a eight to a three or four.****

I couldn't really hear what was going on. I could tell that Haruhi was talking to someone.

"Ha - o. Har - o." slowly I pulled on of the buds out of my ear and looked over at Haruhi.

"Y - yes?"

"Feeling better now?" Haruhi offered me a hesitant smile. "So… We kind of have this debt we need to take care of..."

"What?" I could feel my breath quicken. if we had to pay these rich people I don't know what we'd do! We don't have much money to begin with but with me starting therapy and my shots, we have even less money a month than usual.

Seeing the panic in my eyes Haruhi immediately shushed me. "No no no. It's okay. Really. We just need to stay after school every day and do errands for the host club. Nothing major. Just things like buying groceries or making tea or sandwiches."

"Okay..." Glancing at the host club I could see them converse among themselves. 'Why do I feel like this is going to end horribly?'

 **A/N: Hey guys as I mentioned in the previous chapter, like Harou, I am going to therapy. The asterisks show examples of what I've learned by myself and in my sessions to help me fight my anxiety.**

 ***: As a way to help me overcome my anxiety my therapist told me that if I'm starting to go into "Panic mode" or that my anxiety was increasing. I had to take note of the situation. My anxiety puts me in a false sense of danger or fight or flight, even if I'm just walking down the hallways of school. stating that I'm not in any danger helps my brain register that it's a false alarm and then I can go from there and try to calm down from there.**

 ****: I've found early on with my anxiety that music helped calm me down. It was a source of comfort and a way to escape the situation that was causing my anxiety. I figured that Harou would do the same thing since he loves music just as much as I do.**

 *****: I kind of already knew that taking deep breaths helped calm down my heart, but in therapy it was really addressed more prominently. I've also found out that it's easier for me to calm myself when I can't see anyone either looking at me or just there. Closing my eyes makes deep breathing more effective (At least for myself)**

 ******: My therapist has taught me to rate my anxiety from a scale of 1 to 10. 1 I feel little to no anxiety and I don't feel anxious. As the numbers get higher, the more intense my anxiety. An 8 - 10 is the worst and I just want to shut down. When I'm in session at certain points when I'm (unintentionally) showing signs of higher anxiety I'll be asked what number it's at and I'll take deep breaths and try to take it down a few numbers.**


End file.
